Christmas time brings 3 things each year; your birthday, my birthday and of course Christmas. It’s those three things that bring a special warmth to my heart as I try to embed the Christmas joy my parents gave me during this time of year for you. My heart goes out to families that are not able to provide the toys and gifts for their little ones as my parents were able to do for me. So of course this year I again showered you with well thought out gifts as I tried to imagine which ones would bring the biggest smiles.
I will admit I was a little surprised on how well you did with not trying to open any gifts early or asking if you could open them early. You did gravitate to the tree now and then to get a peek at them but you were able to contain yourself as I once did many years ago. Since I did not have you this Christmas, I only thought it to be better to wait until I have you for you to open presents so that you can enjoy them longer. Otherwise it would have been ooooh and awww and then tell you it was time to go back home. Of course they would be here when you got back, but that is hard to comprehend at your age so I chose to wait.
Although you did receive a few gifts for your birthday since I was able to spend time with you on Christmas Eve/Your Birthday which was very cherished as you played with play-dough with Pa Pa. During that time Pa Pa made at least 7 different animals and you made about 157 balls and 4 snakes. You interacted with Pa Pa for over an hour as you guys stayed focus on your play-dough projects with songs of Christmas and stories of Daycare and your friends. I watched from the couch and was sort of saddened by the fact that you will not be 3 forever. Each year will come faster and faster and bring new stories and new gifts, and although you will always be my little girl, you won’t always be my little 3 year old girl. You did promise to stay 3 years old for me, but I know I can’t hold you to that.
I love you my little angel. Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas… love always daddy.
I have been told many times that I am a lucky father to have such a beautiful and sweet child. Believe me when I tell you that I never take each of those comments for granted either. I think every parent is lucky to be blessed with a child and my feelings are nothing to new to any parent. However, when you get what exactly you wished for, it makes it that much better.
I can’t believe in less than 19 days you will be 3 years old. As cliche as it sounds, it does seem like just yesterday you were brought home from the hospital. Thinking back, I must have looked like a deer in headlights on the way home from the hospital knowing that this was really happening. Of course you have 9 months to prepare yourself for being a parent, but there is nothing like trial by fire on your first night.
It’s those experiences along with the subtle and not so subtle occurrences that led me to create this journal to share my thoughts and feelings as a first time parent. It’s been a journey to say the least, but one I would do over and over again to treasure the firsts in your young life. It also helps to have great friends and family that have been there along the way for us during these times. You may not remember any of them until you get to be about 5 or 6, but they loved you just the same.
The 2 years I have been writing my thoughts and feelings about our times together helps me memorialize moments that are usually lost or forgotten but will be here for you to treasure as time rolls on. Each December brings us a special time of year as you and I, 2 Capricorns turn one year older. It’s special to me knowing we will most likely share similar personality traits so many people have come to love about me (sarcastic grin), and look forward to seeing you blossom into a young lady one day, but not gonna rush those days to get here anytime soon as I will enjoy you being 3 for as long as I can.
Any time spent with a loved one is considered a precious moment. However, on rare occasions you are able to capture them on film. The picture above is one of these rare moments, not staged or set-up, just in my office while listening to her music and playing with her wooden baby stroller. What makes this picture special to me is her day dream stare as I am guilty of these at least 3-4 times a day, usually in thinking of her.
We both will never know what is racing through your mind at this moment, but I can tell you what flashed through my mind after seeing this picture on my screen. Thinking back through my life through all of the highlights, experiences, and emotions… it seems they all pale in comparison to seeing a little version of me growing up right before my very eyes. Now, I know that sounds silly because the journey of life is worth living and enjoying before children, but there comes a time when you look back and they all seem like minor accomplishments when compared to becoming a parent.
If you were to hand me this picture 10 years ago and told me THIS will be your future daughter, I think I would have probably stared at it for at least 2 days before I could even comprehend the magnitude of emotion I would have felt. My next thought would be to analyze what events needed to happen to make this a reality. I think my life would have been turned upside down, and decisions would have been made that ultimately would have cost me not having Lia, which is why we can never know our own fate, future, or destiny. Not that we have a choice in the matter, but it makes perfect sense to me now than ever before.
I have been more of an analogy nut these days, and one that comes to mind is our own solar system when it comes to describing my love for Lia. Lia is of course the sun, with each of the nine planets a ball of emotion. Love, fear, hope, patience, joy, anticipation, sadness, wonder, and courage in a harmonious orbit around her. I guess it goes without saying that my life in fact does revolve around Lia.
The term I grew to love is now almost something I don’t even remember anymore. I remember playing from sun up to sun down and not knowing what my true goal was other than to occupy my mind with my imagination. As a father now, watching Lia grow up and play I begin to remember how goals were something you scored in soccer and absolutely nothing was a waste of time in a kids mind.
Patience is something that I have struggled with since I was a teenager. When I was a kid I could literally spend 45 minutes in this blazing heat changing a flat tire on my bike without getting upset. Mainly because all I had was time, and not in a rush to be bored. I haven’t been bored in a long time, and when I have some free time I am often thinking of new ventures instead of relaxing. Although most people think I am a workaholic, I feel my imagination provides me a release most people get from a vacation so needless to say I enjoy what I do for a living.
I often hear parents joke about the energy kids have and bottling it up and selling it. It’s true, kids expend a ton of energy, but how else are they suppose to release pure unadulterated unfocused energy? Playing should be a vitamin taken in high dosages as a kid. I know I played until my legs fell off, slept, woke up and ate cereal and off I went again. It was almost like the directions to a shampoo only mine was Play, Rinse, Eat and Repeat.
Seeing Lia play is something I enjoy very much because I often times try and think of what she is thinking. Although she is a brilliant child, her thoughts are once like mine were simple, imaginative, and immortal. Every minute spent with Lia is an experience that out does the previous because of her learning and expanding vocabulary. Her love for babies is ever growing. If she could, she would have each baby a toy maker makes and still not satisfy her need for taking care of a baby.
She has also named each and everyone of her babies to date. Astonishing you may think… not really considering all of their names are “Baby”. I will ask her each time she gets a new baby what the babies name is and she will always answer innocently “Baby”. Baby is very much apart of Lia’s life regardless of which one it is. She always has one to feed, put to sleep and stuff in her varied toy transportation devices. They may be getting run over hanging half out of her toy car, but they are with her none the less.
My dad (your grandfather) has often said the feathers of your angel wings are starting to fall off. Of course I laughed it off until this past weekend to which I witnessed one of your angel wings fall off in a tantrum over what you wanted to wear.
You have become VERY partial to pretty dresses as you should, since you are a little girl. However, if it’s not the EXACT dress you want you can become a little tyrant trying to pitch a fit and then quickly looking for a reaction from me. If I ignore this reaction, you will try several more times until I finally say something or ask if you would like to go to time out. Of course you don’t want any part of timeout so you will often sit with your arms crossed or roll around the floor. This is probably where I am having the hardest time disciplining you because I don’t see you as often as I would like to, and when I do I don’t want to have to come down on you but I know in the end it will be what is best for you. Parenting is a difficult task I could have never been prepared for, but it is a learning experience I couldn’t live without.
You love flash cards, but you ONLY want to do them if you are the teacher. You will ask me “What is this Daddy” and I of course respond with what is showing on the flash card, and quickly repeat it and then put it in a pile to which you then reshuffle and align the cards each and every time. You also like to color, draw, or paint in the same spot as someone else like you had created what was being drawn and you look up with the cutest grin like “look what I did!”
Your fascination with TV shows has me singing them when you are not here like “Wow Wow Wubzy” theme song and Wonder Pets. You also have this adoration of The Incredible’s and Cars both of which are computer generated cartoons. When you are not watching, learning, drawing, or fussing. You are the quiet blissful little angel I have always wanted from a little girl.
I can’t even fathom what it would like to just wake up and be taken anywhere without really knowing the destination, which is the case most everyday for you. It’s like you are on automatic pilot as you are swept away to tropical destinations, grocery stores, playgrounds and the dreaded daycare. Galveston is not exactly tropical, but it’s the closest thing we have to it, but we made the best of it anyways.
Words alone cannot describe the taste of Galveston beach water as it infiltrates your senses as you take your first few steps into it’s murky abyss. Your first reactions were to run up to the shoes just before the waters and retreat before the next wave washed ashore. You did this at least 6-8 times before I hoisted you up on my shoulders as we braved the 3 inch waves and headed out to sea. It wasn’t long before you were ready to head back and begin our general contractor and builder partnership of our sand castle. As I slaved away at trenching the sand and laying the foundation, you were not far behind with hands on hips directing where the next wall should go.
We caught the eye of another little girl who seemed to be interested in our sand building expertise asking what we did to make certain elements. You weer quick to point out “that’s my daddy” and quickly entered your new palace. With a shovel as your scepter, you ruled as princess Liana on the Galveston coast.
There exists a time in a place that you dance, spin and laugh. You run and play while I follow closely behind. I ask you questions I know the answer to just to hear your soft voice reply “yes”. You grab Dylan’s tail and giggle and say Daddy until I give you my undivided attention. I hold your hand as you climb the slide and yell “WEEEEE” all the way down as you look to see what’s next.
You frolic in the grass with not a care across your mind and you gather me up a hand full of dirt. We pretend to watch t.v. in your imaginary houses as we stay motionless until one of us moves. Buckled in your car seat smothering Goldfish in your face, you little arm is engulfed in the shiny white bag. No clothes, no dress, no cute little shorts… Princess nightgown is selection of choice regardless of time.
As night time draws near I can feel the anxiety of sleep. Which books are on request tonight as I put you to bed. I will read to you forever even if it’s Goodnight Moon for the 5 thousandth time. Your eyelids become heavy with each passing word, soon your asleep with your blanket in tow.
This time in a place exists in my mind daily until you are near. These thoughts pacify my mind as one day closer you are to being in my arms again.
An unexpected move has produced a new place to which a new bedroom AND an extra playroom await you. Although my last place was comfortable and served it’s purpose, I found it hard at times to get down on the floor and play with you since we had laminate flooring. Carpet is much more forgiving and will allow for a comfortable playtime for both of us.
I look forward to the new beginning in a larger place for you to roam around in and make new memories with. I also like being right across the hall from you while you sleep as I am guilty for checking in on you at different times throughout the night just to hear you breathe and cover you back up as you sleep. Even in sleep you manage to invoke drama in your sprawled out sleeping positions.
I hope this new place fills your mind with enjoyable memories as we embark down a new road together through another chapter in our lives.